You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
