I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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