I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
