Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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