Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
