I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Sober January is a disaster.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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