i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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