i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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