I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
