i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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