That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Still dying that you shit outside
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
