Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
