I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.