and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.