On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone says I win the strip club
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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