he thought i was a dude.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
