I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
