Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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