You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
