i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
