my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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