i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
