my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
