He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
