i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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