i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
