Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
