yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
