i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
