Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.