So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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