Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Shitshow foam night was such a success
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do