awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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