My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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