im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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