Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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