Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.

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(770): View more from Georgia

and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it

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(520): View more from Arizona

There was a lot of him and a little penis

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(858): View more from California

Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.

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(513): View more from Ohio

As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.

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(440): View more from Ohio

do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from

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