I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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