my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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