dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
