In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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