Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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