you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
