can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
