Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
