This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
