john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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