oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
