obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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