proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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