Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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