yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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