Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
