I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
