she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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