if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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