theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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