Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
