i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
