I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
