i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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