Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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