I wish I only lived at night.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
